You are not flawed.
And before I say anything, you should know, this isn’t about ignoring constructive criticism; It’s not about being numb and not wanting to improve. This is about how we let others affect the way we see ourselves and how we allow their opinions, based on their expectations, to transform into our own self-loathing. This is about how we allow these perceived flaws to keep us from evolving and growing for the right reasons, and how unstable it is when we do.
In both of the abusive relationships I was in – before I hit rock bottom and took control of my life – I was constantly told I was too this or wasn’t enough that. I felt like a person partaking in the world of others. Playing their game. Sitting at their table. I was always apologizing for not fitting into their puzzle and not meeting their expectations. I felt passive, as I watched them dictate my self-worth.
Eventually the buzzing in my ear telling me I wasn’t good enough took over, and instead of being my own biggest ally, I turned into my own biggest enemy.
They’re right, I’d think. I am too this and not enough that.
Because it’s easy to feel like that when we let others tell us how we should act and what we should be. And what this becomes is them holding a key to our happiness and us not being able to reach it.
If I just get that job.
If this person would just love me.
If I could just be that skinny.
If I could just be accepted.
YOU NEED TO SHIFT YOUR MINDSET
But you are not flawed. You are you, in all of your magnificent glory. A bundle of experiences, of battles fought and won, and of talents and quirks and gifts, and everything that makes you, you.
Who is anyone to tell you that is not good enough?
Because I’ll tell you a secret: No one was handed a guidebook to how life should be, no matter how pristine their lives look from the outside in. There is no engraved definition of the perfect person. A universal perfection does not exist; only the standards we set for ourselves.
And those standards MUST remain free of the say of others in order to stay true to who you are.
There are two things you can do, right now:
The first is to proactively surround yourself with people and an environment that doesn’t expect you to be anything but who you are – both of which are hard to find, but do, in fact, exist.
And the second, more realistic way, is to learn to interpret these flaws as nothing more than the fact you may not be what this person is looking for.
That’s right. They’re looking for something and you’re not it. Let that sink deeply into your ego. Feel the pain of rejection, then brush it off, and keep on moving.
The fact you may not be what they’re looking for says nothing about your value. Let me repeat that: it says nothing about your value.
CHANGE THE ROOT
Do not let others pin you against yourself; you are your biggest ally.
Allowing others to label you flawed will trigger self-loathing, lower your self-esteem, and ultimately pin you against yourself.
You cannot allow that. If you learn to stand against one thing, this is it.
You ARE the warrior. The fighter. The crusader. And you ARE the one with the power to become the best version of yourself, because self-improvement IS important and crucial to your well-being. But it has to be YOUR version, not theirs.
Their version will never hold up. The foundation will crumble because you will be building it on self-hate. You will be changing yourself for all the wrong reasons, going down an unfamiliar path they’ll pave for you based on where they want you to go. One day, you’ll wake up and realize you’re somewhere you never intended to end up; and to be a stranger in your own life is one of the shittiest feelings there is.
But your version? Your version is rooted in self-love. It’s based on all the dreams and ambitions you’ve had your whole life. It’s based on this unspoken promise with yourself that you’ll do whatever it takes to become the person you’ve always wanted to be. You grow, you evolve, and you commit to improvement because you DESERVE it. Because there is a world of untapped potential living in your heart, waiting to be let out.
But you are not flawed.
If you’re going to fix what’s broken, fix it because you deem it broken. Do it because you deserve to be whole. If you’re going to get better, do it because you know you are capable, not because someone tells you you’re not good enough. If you’re going to work on you, do it because of that unspoken promise. Do it because you’re fucking magnificent and you deserve to shine your brightest.